Aquariums

There’s just something so tranquil about them. Starting my second tank of just straight snails and ill be uploading my videos to YouTube. My channels called The Black Little Mermaid. Feel free to watch comment and share. This is my first time vlogging! snail tank first vlog video

4am

I am beside myself

And i  guess that’s all i can ask for

Nothing more

Nothing less

These things are constantly

Tearing me apart

Showing some of my fears

Hurting myself and the ones I hold dear

I want to give up this fight

Even if it doesn’t save my life

I try to see if I can fix these things

But I try to fix and all it does is keep breaking

Breaking me

Breaking them

They turn into my enemies

These things I can’t fix

Why won’t they fit together

You know? Like a puzzle piece

I’m not a piece of meat

Something to be thrown to a pack of animals

And that’s how i feel sometimes

Like my friends throw me to the animals

But

Then sometimes I’m the animal

Something feared

As I stalk upon my prey

So what’s the difference

I have a heartbeat just like everyone else

But it beats for no one

Not even myself

What should I do?

What more can I say?

I try to help myself

And I try to be of help

But I’m just pushed away

Or can feel the wall slowly thickening

Furthering the distance.

UGH

Its frustrating to keep trying

Frustrating to keep fightinh

So why am I still trying?

Then I remember

I’m feeling something right?

Feeling

You ever get that feeling like you’re just floating through life. Sitting here when I should be watching this show with my boyfriend I realize I’ve lost control. I’m working on gaining it back. I’m so used to having some kind of meticulous plan. This is something new for me. It makes me anxious. Anything completely off course makes me nervous. Usually I write down my thoughts and plans in multiple notebooks and calendars writing the outcomes of each. But this time I have no known outcome. I’m going on wave all helter skelter. I’m hoping for the best.

Making the change

So its been a few days since my first blog and I’ve made some changes I hope are for the better. I’ve decided to stop out instead of drop out. So i withdrew from this semester but on the plus side i don’t have to pay fafsa back. Before anyone thinks I’m just a quiter I did get in contact with my advisor to schedule my next semester.

This is for the young people who have always felt accomplished until one day something changed. But also for the people who feel like they’re going no where in life. I don’t know, I feel th is may be for the better. It gives me til next semester to try and win a bid on a new position at my job going down to either part time or overnites. Which I’m leaning to the latter, more money and more time to study.

This opportunity also allows me more time to make money to buy the family house. You have to remember nothing is free. Luckily a family member is selling it to me at a lovely price. Love you! So I’m gonna buy it, fix it up and make my money back within a year and or so by renting it.

My boyfriend told me i focus too much on the negative so heres to me wishing to the positive.

Newly 24 and fresh out the psych ward

Never thought 24 would be so crucial of a time. I felt like i was well off in the world until my 24th birthday. I have an associates in Social Sciences but what can that get you in the ever evolving world? I work in the healthcare system and I find it rewarding rarely ever stressful. I love helping others and letting them know someone actually cares. I thought I was financially stable. Great job, building a higher credit with my new car I bought myself for being a fresh graduate.

My 24th birthday comes I’m back in school to aim for better for myself and my family. Never realized the amount of pressure i put on myself. My regular anxiety became high functioning.

Full time student 3 days a week 10 hours a day, full time job 12 hours/3 days a week. Tried going to part time but its based on seniority. So I’ve been trying to go 3 months strong but feel each step getting weaker. Tried seeking help from my Dr but can’t be seen apparently too busy. So I had a exlosive breakdown and got checked in.

I’m out and trying to find clarity and the strength of Nubia to go on. I just keep looking to the sun for a better and brighter day. I dont know this is kond of a diary and or advice coloumn for those who may need the hope of knowing they’re not the only ones.